"Partner" rape - sexual predation of adults

When one deals with the topic of “partner” rape, just like dealing with women abusing males, and really get what’s going on, then realize that anyone can be victimized, and that everyone needs to protect them selves from harm. Anyone can use the guise of a relationship to gain access to victims, then strike.

From a grooming standpoint, the “boyfriend” or husband rapist uses the courting phase to groom his (usually) adult victim into believing that there is a real relationship, but like the adult who has a sexual relationship with a teenager, the victim slowly loses herself in the “relationship” and is led down a path towards sexual predation, and if she’s not lucky, destruction. Destruction of her self, destruction of family ties, and in some cases, destruction of her life.

Unlike a priest of a teacher, the husband/ “boyfriend” abuser does not have formal power over his victim when he sexually abuses her, and the victim is usually adult. But he doesn’t need formal power. Abusers create power over their victims when formal authority does not exist. They then use that power to dominate, humiliate, and control their victim.

A word about seduction and grooming – Grooming takes place. In fact, some states formally call the crime “child seduction.” Likewise, Cyberpaths talks about adult victims being groomed.

I believe that people don’t want to think of husbands and boyfriends as grooming victims instead of dating partners because the whole idea of romance between adults feature the myth of an egalitarian relationship between loving committed couples. This, just like the myth of the helpful priest with a pure heart, and the dedicated teacher, needs to change. Sexual predators come in all ages, all sizes, and when dealing with adult victims, the initial approaches of a predator and lover are extremely similar, if not the same.

People don’t want to think about institutional abuse (and yes, marriage and straight sexual relationships are institutions) any more than they have to. The Catholic priest scandals which broke in 2002 and ongoing teacher/student sex scandals have eroded trust in formerly respected institutions. In a world of change and confusion, institutions can provide stability, comfort, and a sense of being to those seeking to be grounded in this life. But whenever there is secrecy and lack of accountability, abuse can thrive. Anyone with a lack of character, arrogance, and the motive to prey can, and in many cases will.

From a survivor’s website:
Here is a person whom you thought you knew intimately, with whom you share a history, a home and quite often children. Here is a person whom you have made love to on a frequent basis often over many years, with whom you have shared your most intimate secrets and fears, and whom you believe to love you, want the best for you, who would never intentionally hurt you. Marital rape is so destructive because it betrays the fundamental basis of the marital relationship, because it questions every understanding you have not only of your partner and the marriage, but of yourself. You end up feeling betrayed, humiliated and, above all, very confused.

What’s so sad about “boyfriend” or husband rape is that in many cases, it is the worst betrayal of trust that an adult (female) can face. The betrayal of trust when such an event occurs ranks up there with a father abusing his daughter, or a mother abusing her son, and is worse in some cases than teacher/student sex. At least with teachers, the power is already there and formalized, but a husband grabs power which should not be his for his own sexual gratification.

Parents have a role to play in preventing rape of their kids, even after 18. When talking to them about sexual predators, children need to be reminded that sexual predation does not stop at 18 (even though 62% of all hands on sex offenders target minors under 18).

Adult sexual predators seek to gain access to adult victims in much the same way child sexual predators seek access to kids. Child molesters can often be found as mother’s boyfriends or husbands or in schools and in organizations catering to kids. It only makes sense that adult sexual predators would be found where there are vulnerable adult victims – like in college, the military, in prisons or in the counselor’s office, or in adult sexual relationships, including marriage. College, the military, and romantic/sexual “relationships” provide sexual predators access to either many different victims, or one victim continuously, and in most cases, parents can’t monitor their grown kids in such situations.

When adult relationships end in sexual (or physical abuse), the relationship before the abuse should be better thought of as grooming, not dating.