Rape victim shares her story of victimization by an ex boyfriend

Annie, a North Carolina woman, was raped by an ex boyfriend after five years and a child with him. While with him, she suffered verbal and physical abuse, and he became HIV positive. The woman looks back and says,

"Truthfully, I didn't know I had so many things going on," she said. "Not only was I a victim of rape, but also of mental and verbal abuse. So, it's a variety of things that go along with rape; it's not just rape alone."

The domestic violence she suffered were nothing compared to what would happen next:

In Annie's case, her rapist came to her place of employment under the guise of bringing their daughter to the doctor's office. Instead, he showed up without Annie's children and eventually forced his way into the driver's seat in her car, she said. He then took her to another location and raped her.

Then, more than one week later, he broke into her home and tried to murder her, she said.
However, for Annie, the horror of the situation didn't end there: Her rapist is HIV positive.

"He knew he was HIV positive, and I did too," she said. "He tried to inject me with the virus, but I'm negative. I don't have HIV. I've been tested and re-tested so many times."

To help her get through all she's experienced, Annie got in touch with a local domestic violence and sexual assault crisis center, SAFE in Lenoir County. The organization exists in the county to help victims of physical and sexual violence, Assistant Director Carolyn Fields said.

"We act as advocates and try to do everything we can do to help her (the victim)," she said.
Fields said one of the problems with sexual assault is that it is a "hidden crime."
"It's a lot easier to get away with that sometimes," she said.

Statistics back up Fields' assertion: According to the N.C. Council for Women, only 46 percent of victims reported their rapes in the state in 2002. Though Annie reported her rape to law enforcement, she said she didn't know much about the legal process.

Annie went to the police, but the time that to her rapist's conviction was three years. She also didn't want to get her child's father in trouble.

"I didn't know anything about a protective order. I kept calling police on the regular about him. I kept trying to get him out of the house on the regular."

"This is my child's father, and I don't want to get him in trouble. I tried to protect him for the child. A lot of mothers try to protect the father for the child, but he ends up hurting her."

Being in the courtroom wasn't easy for Annie. She said it was "difficult" to talk about her rape and attack because she'd tried so hard to put it all behind her.

"It was like opening up something that had just happened all over again. I don't feel like he got enough time for what he done because I still have to live with these scars, this abuse, the rape, everything he did to me."

Annie’s experience is typical, according to Fields.

"The person often feels they're being re-victimized when the go through the court system. That's why some men are able to rape over and over and over again."

Another factor to consider is that the rapist, coercer, or sexual predator with an adult victim uses grooming tactics to convince the victim that they are in love. Yet another factor is that “real rape” as defined by laymen and lay women, only includes strangers jumping out of the bushes at night. If all of the above elements are not in place, then the sexual attack isn’t considered real rape.

After the rape, Annie feels that she’s been given a second chance to be the mother that she could be, but her feelings about men have changed. She won’t give a man a second chance to abuse her, at least for a while.

"I have a special chance to enjoy my kids. They are my priority... God gave me a better chance to be with my children. I'm happy, I'm content with my kids, but I'm hurt to think about what occurred, what happened to me. It put a damper on me about trusting men. It will take a lot for me to ever trust one. You just don't look at them the same way.

"But, it's going to be a hard process. It's going to take some time."

According to Johnson-Hostler, each rape victim deals with her sexual attack differently.

"Clearly, the way a rape victim deals with rape is specific to that victim," she said. "There's not a cookie-cutter response for victims of rape."

Acquaintance (or “partner”/spousal rape victims) often blame themselves, when in reality, rape is always the fault of the rapist, no one else.

Annie said she wanted to tell her story for several reasons, one of which is the stigma attached to rape victims.

"I feel like somebody should talk about it," she said. "It's something that you are ashamed of, but I didn't do it to myself: Somebody done it to me."

Now, she said, she's trying to put her rape behind her, and she hopes talking about her experience will help even "one person out of a thousand or a million" to not go through the same thing.

And the biggest lesson Annie said she learned?

"A woman don't need a man to stand up on her own two feet."