Points to consider about abuse

Brian's Opinion

When stats show that one out of every 8 married women suffer sexual abuse, and one out of every 4 women suffer domestic abuse, it's time to radically rethink approaches to thinking about domestic abuse and violence. Some thought I've came up with are found below.

1) Seeing sexual abuse within a relationship as not just a betrayal of the woman (or in rarer cases, man), but also as a betrayal of the woman's family and friends. In too many cases, a mother has put her trust in her son-in-law only to end up finding he raped – or killed her daughter or grandkids.

2) Unlike educator sexual abuse or CSA prevention, parents don't have a primary duty to protect their kids once they are grown. It becomes a secondary duty – but still a duty. When abuse at any age comes up, protection and support of their grown child should be the primary concern. This is why parental screening of all dates is recommended, even after 18.

In the case that an adult is being victimized, parents can still see changes in their grown child's personality both before and after the DV, rape, or sociopathic seduction. The grown child, in too many cases, will believe that there are in "love" with their abuser. Intimate partner sexual abuse is simply the culmination of same age or adult grooming.

3) In the same way that a predisposed molester can target 12 year old girls, the husband or "boyfriend" who rapes his target uses grooming techniques to isolate his victim, then strike. Since marriage or an exclusive relationship is one on one, then the marriage/relationship itself becomes the means of isolation of a victim from helpful family members/friends - women's advocates. Intimate "partner" sexual abuse is misnamed because partners imply parity, and in any case of abuse, the abuser always has power over their victim. Since there is no parity, there can be no partnership, and since there is deception, there can not be true intimacy.

Without the intimacy and partnership, and with power and control motives, there is just sexual abuse. Having said this, a more accurate characterization or "partner" sexual abuse would be adult grooming or adult sexual abuse.

4) I believe that laws and judges should take into account the victim's sexual abuse history in determining punishment. This is different from taking into account a victim's sexual history in recognizing that adult victims of DV or rape have more of a likelihood of a history of CSA or other child abuse – and are more likely to be assaulted in some form in the future.

Just like laws punish sex offenders greater if their victim was a child, perhaps laws should punish rapists and molesters of adults harsher if their current victim had been victimized before and much harsher if that victimization was CSA. Laws which take into account power, not just authority differences, should be enacted, and judges should take into account power differences when sentencing defendants.

In the late 90's – early 2000s, sex with inmates and therapy patients was criminalized. Sex with HS students 18 and over is slowly being criminalized. There is also a movement to criminalize pastor/ adult parishioner sex. These laws take into account authority, but there are other sexual coercers/abusers that have no authority, but create power over victims. Because they are not in formal positions of authority, their sexual abuse won't be recognized as such.

5) In an abusive relationship, abusers and victims are never peers or partners. Partners mean equality or parity between the two involved in a relationship. Any sort of abuser, even if not in a position of authority, never has equality with their victim because abuse is about power and control over others. In the case of adult abuse, the power and control dynamic is missed due to the adult status of the victim, in too many cases.

6) Adult status should not matter when victims over 18 are targeted. Victims are (usually) still someone's child, or in some cases, parent. There are many different ways that sexual predators gain power over their victims. Age and minor status is only one way to overpower a victim. Other ways include using professional or custodial status to get a woman (or man) to "consent" to sex or other acts under duress. Sociopathic seduction, the grooming of an adult victim for sexual abuse, is a 3rd way, one which doesn't involve minors or authority.

7) The loved ones of victims should be given a formal voice within the criminal justice system before their victimized family members or friends are hurt or killed. When a parent protects their grown kids from violence, they are simply taking their role of protector of their child (and minor grandchildren, if applicable) seriously. A lot of parental interventions fail because they have limited options when over 18 children are victimized. If there was a formal way for parents to intervene at the first physical signs of abuse, it could be a great tool in combating domestic violence and sexually abusive "relationships." However, if such actions are never comtemplated, then how could anyone know if such a course will work?